Why am I fascinated by awful drama on TV? I can't stop watching old episodes of Felicity and I never even watched it when it was ON. I watch and watch and I can't believe the writers could ever stomach coming up with all the ups and downs, the breakups and the makeups and all the extraneous STUFF. And the WHISPERING! Every episode has the main characters having these crazy discussions in a WHISPER. I don't understand that. Thinking about it leads me to believe that they knew people wouldn't stand to listen to the actors yell or just talk normally but the urgency implied by a whisper is irresistable. Or something. Anyway. I can't stop watching it. I end up with at least 6 episodes to watch on each of my days off and that CAN'T be healthy. I know more about Felicity and Ben and Noel than I know about my FRIENDS.

Maybe my friends are too loud. Maybe that's what's really wrong.


I should be doing something creative but I've run out of motivation. I thought about just going thru everything of mine and throwing half of it out but I don't know where to start. The boy reminds me sometimes that most of the STUFF we have is mine. It's true. I have a lot of STUFF. But I don't know what to part with. I can't get rid of my books because I have alot of OLD books that I intend to pass on to the spawn. I can't part with the record collection because it took too long to compile it. I should get rid of comic books, I don't read them. But that only takes up about a cubic foot of space. What's the point?

I want to get rid of the exercise thing in the living room but the boy wants to keep it as a reminder that he should be more active. I could get rid of the entertainment center thingy in the bedroom... we never actually watch tv in there and all it does is hold all the VHS tapes I never watch anymore. Maybe I could get rid of BOTH. That would free up some room. We have two mirrors sitting propped against the walls... not gonna use them ever so why keep them?

Meh. I can't wait for vacation to spend several days working on this house. Maybe we'll get the bedroom painted... maybe not. At least we'll have consecutive days to accomplish things instead of a day here and a day at the other end of two weeks. Stupid days.

I'm never excited about a doctor's appointment but if I were going to be, today's would have been it. In and out in 30 minutes and everything's normal. My doctor is the friendliest doctor I've ever been to. The boy thinks he just really likes his job. 'Cause what straight man could be upset by examining coochies all day? Anyway. 20 minutes ago, the nurse calls and leaves a message because my slow ass can't get to the phone on time. I call her back. Twice. She calls me back again and says "Remember when you came in and we drew blood to check for Rubella immunity? Well, it turns out they gave me the wrong test codes so the test has to be redone with the proper codes. Does that make sense?" *sigh* I hate being stuck with needles. Not because of the normal blood-squeamishness that most people have. No. Because of the massive Bruce Li just kicked my ass bruise it leaves on my arm. Bleh. I look like an inept smack addict. (That's assuming that smack is something one shoots up. I don't know. heh. I am mercifully drug-stupid.)

Anyway.

A little over a week ago, one of my exes emailed me. It was a mass emailing so it was just neat to be included in the 'how the hell are you'. Anyway. I emailed him back and gave him the short version: 'laid off, hired, married, promoted and how are you?' Then I get another email from him saying he's still in Arizona, trying to create a Japanese meditation garden so he can chill out and not kill the wife. My response to all that was a bit more 'hah! i'm so happy I could PEE' than most people want to hear and I haven't gotten any more emails. From anyone. heh.

This is for the better, I'm sure. Because I AM so happy I could pee. In your cheerios, probably. So look out!

I do miss talking to that boy, tho. He always had good perspective. He was there when I kicked all the roommates out. He told me it was for the best and that they'd get over it and I'm sure they did. Those crazy bitches. (Just kidding, Misty. You're not a bitch.)

I don't know how to update and talk about my Grandma's funeral at the same time. It was very surreal. Getting together with family has always involved my Grandma and not seeing her at the center of it all was just unsettling. The fortunate side of it all is that we got to see cousins we hadn't seen in 12 years or more and found we actually got along with them and had things to talk about. When I was little, I was always closer to my Aunty Liz's kids. I'm sure that had something to do with the fact that my dad has not really maintained a close relationship with his brother Lito. Anyway. The visit was good; I got to see my cousins' kids and spouses and catch up on some stuff I hadn't known about. My cousin Jesse has been collecting guitars and has a band... I hadn't remembered him as a Beatles' fan but his guitars definitely reveal that side of him. Anthony thought he was disappointed when he asked who my "favorite" Beatle was and I said John. I dunno... I think he was just asking to ask. Jes has always been my favourite cousin and it's neat to see what we have in common, even when we haven't seen eachother in years. His kids are great... they're all boys and loud but he seems to rule with an iron fist. I'm guessing he got that from Grandpa... they were always so close.

My cousin Lina surprised me... she and Marky were so excited to see Anthony and I and yet from what I remember, we were never really 'close' when we visited before. I'm sure the age differences had something to do with that. As kids, ya tend to be a bit obtuse when it comes to relating to people. Anyway. She's so sweet and beautiful. Her kids are... 18, 14, and 8? I think that's what she said. I feel like I'm so behind! No babies to torment the family with.

Oh! and Gena! I remember her as a spoiled lil kid (lil kid.. heh. she's barely younger than me... I was an awful child, you see). Anyway... she's got a little one named Anthony now: all blonde curls and huge eyes. Gorgeous baby. We talked for a while and I could totally see us getting much closer over time. I wish I lived closer to EP to be able to visit and maintain a real relationship with family.


My cousin Dominic looks SO much like my dad, it's scary. The Neria traits are strong and when someone has 'em, they have them in damn SPADES. I think most of what I got is the temper and sharp tongue. Maybe it's a good thing I don't live too close to family... the boy wouldn't know what to do after a while.

I can't believe I missed Noikle's birthday while I was gone. I'm so bad at remembering dates. :(

About two hours ago I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. Twenty minutes later, my dad called and told me Grandma had died. Her heart just stopped and she was gone. They're still heading out to E.P. this morning, I think. The funeral should be Wednesday so they won't be back till sometime late Thursday. I'm not sure if I can get that much time off work but I've got to be at their house to take care of the dog and chickens. Bleh. I can't go to the funeral even if I could get the time off work.


I hate this.

You know how sometimes you hear a song over and over and you know you'll never forget it?

I've forgotten a song. I can see the video in my head. And I think it's by Default but the lyrics I find for their songs don't match what little I can recall of the theme of the song.

The premise is that a girl is angry with her boyfriend. I don't remember if the image is that he's leaving her or she's leaving him. One is pleading with the other. She leaves and is driving and he's trying to get her attention and she won't look at him. She ends up in a wreck and he's just staring at it and then she leaves her body and sees him and they embrace and that's the end of the song, kinda. At some point in the video, you see that there's a newspaper in the apartment that shows a story about him having fallen or jumped from a bridge recently.

So. What song is it and who sings it? It's driving me mad!!!!!

There is nothing like finding, on the intarnedweb, someone you used to know and laughing hysterically. Oh. My. G....



Jeeze. It's 11.45 and I haven't done JACK today. I need to finish laundry and do some vacuuming (which I swear I just did like, two days ago) and whatnot. I've got about 30 plants to stick in the dirt and I have no idea where to put them. Maybe I should start a new bed in the middle of the front yard. It's the only place that really gets FULL sun and all the plants I really like love the full sun. Stupid plants. They should just adapt.



Yesterday I liked the name Hayley. Today, not so much. Can you imagine the inability to make up my mind that I will go through when there's actually a child to name? I may have to just let the boy worry about that part. He's good at making up his mind.


Ok. I'm going to brave the chilly and wet outdoors and get some plants in teh ground. I WILL, dammit!

ChiChi likes to sit on top of my desk now that there's no printer up there. She looked uncomfortable so I put a towel up there for her. That was a mistake. See, I should remember something very important about ChiChi. She ALWAYS looks uncomfortable. That's her natural state of being.



Here's her 'grateful' face.

Yesterday, my grandma fell and broke a thigh. Her physical therapist found her on the floor of the kitchen, after having to enter through the back door because my grandma didn't answer the other two. Apparently, the house smelled of natural gas, too. And for some reason, my aunt Liz and uncle Lito didn't think there was anything worrisome going on when Grandma couldn't associate names and faces properly. She was even forgetting my cousin Jesse, who's always visiting her. Bleh. My dad's probably going to go visit and make sure things are going ok. I dunno what to think. My family has always been very distant. When my dad left home at 18 and was in bootcamp, a buddy of his got more letters from my Aunt Liz than my dad ever got from anyone in the family. They just kind of forgot about him. And still, they forget to call when important stuff happens usually. And they've been to Dallas and San Antonio several times without telling us. Actually, Liz and Grandma lived in San Antonio for a little while, I think. Didn't really say anything about it until they went back to El Paso. Meh. I wish I was closer to family. I love my cousins but I don't know them, really. I haven't seen any of them since... 1999? Something like that. Maybe it was before then. I don't know. I almost wish my mom and dad would have stayed in El Paso so I could have grown up with my cousins and grandparents like my cousins did. I'd know Spanish, at least. That would be nice. When I have kids, I want them to know their cousins and extended family better than I know mine.

Even on my mom's side, I don't really know my family. Everyone moved to different states when they grew up and there's never really been a point made of getting family together on a regular basis.

My dad asked me if I wanted the number to the hospital my grandma is in. I wouldn't know what to say. She probably wouldn't remember me. She didn't even acknowledge the invitation I sent her for the wedding. Nothing. No card or anything. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I suppose I should call her or write her once in a while but I don't know what the point is when she's never made much effort to be part of my life. What exactly is the proper etiquette there?

Your Linguistic Profile:

65% General American English

20% Dixie

10% Upper Midwestern

5% Yankee

0% Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Thursday I had nothing to do so I spent about an hour playing with Tarot cards. Apparently, if I don't focus enough on work, I'm in for some trouble. I'm pretty sure that's obvious and I didn't need the hermit and his friends to tell me that. Also, if I worry too much about material gain and professional advancement (i.e. focus too much on work?), babies may be far far away. SO! Moderation? or something? I don't even know. I know I don't want any more promotions at work. I just want to make a little more money for doing my job.


I woke up at 7 this morning so I could take a shower and whatnot before work. Then I realised that it's only about 45 degrees outside and most likely only going to reach 70 so what's the point of the baby smooth legs? I'll just have goosebumps all day and a fresh batch of stubble to shave by the time I get home. Blargh. To heck with that. Jeans it is!


I keep having very disturbing dreams. Night before last it was about tornadoes. I don't remember where I was exactly but we were seeing them touch down all around us and there was nowhere to hide. All we could do was watch the many funnels tear up everything around us and hope they wouldn't hit the building we were in. Last night, I dreamed a variation of Adrien Brody's new movie which I can't remember the name of. In the movie, he is arrested for something he didn't do and is placed in a psych ward and the dr. puts him in the lil refridgerator compartments they use for dead bodies. While he's in there, he travels in time to the future and has to solve two different ways he may have died. Or something. And don't cry 'spoilers!' at me because all that comes from the preview on Apple.com. Anyway. My dream. In my dream, he lies on a railroad track and the little girl is crying over him, begging him not to die. He tells her he's already dead and not to pray for him. She does anyway and years later, he visits her in a cathedral as she prays and he begs her to stop. When she won't, he shows her a vision of what his life is now as a reconstituted dead man working for the devil. Here's the creepy part. There's another soul with him in his cell in hell and it's his younger brother. Only he doesn't know he's dead so all the horrors he sees and does make no sense to him. And he cries and cries with the voice of fucking CHRIS FROM FAMILY GUY. Dear gods in heaven, my brain has gone nuts.

The end.

I don't have a GOOD camera for pictures right now but here's the short hair: